The Apology

Breaking free
Naked and quivering
Helplessness is such an odd bedfellow

Groping to see
Confused and stammering
Is there life outside this cage of mine?

I trip and fall
Unable to walk
All I've ever learned to do is cower

Stilted brokenness
Like a mole in sunlight
Grasping for anyone's hand

Exposure
Of the most desperate kind
Naked and sprawled for all to see

This explosion of feeling
This draught of numbness
All at once and all-saturating

Crying and screaming and weeping at the sky...
"Why can't I learn to WALK without holding someone's hand???"

Like Divining

There is something very "other-worldly" about portrait painting. The eyes show so much of a person. The artist sits, staring at those eyes. Hour after hour. Trying to honestly portray the soul within.

No matter how hard I try I cannot make my daughter's eyes happy. I likewise cannot make my son's eyes fearless.

I shudder at the thought. I hope they outgrow these images. I hope I did not contribute to the darkness I see there.

And still, I cannot take credit for the outstanding emotion, fiery and catching. These two souls will outlive me. These two souls will light a fire I never lit. Will love those I never loved. Will create things I never touched.

My daughter will mend her broken heart. My son will slay his dragons.

Previous artwork to show

Will post work as completed. Nice to have someplace to do just that. These are older.


"Fearless" March, 2006, oil on board, 18"x20"


"Fearless" detail


"Dichotomy" February, 2006, oil on canvas, 3'x4'
This photo is of it when it was almost done. The snake is gone now. LOL


"Beauty of Creation" January, 2006, digital illustration


untitled, summer 2004, oil on canvas, 18"x18"


"Signature" 1991, oil on canvas, 24"x36"

Rain Drops Fallin on my Head

Hung over. Shouldn't be.

Plodding along, doing bookkeeping. Which really is my least favorite activity. Or second least. The least favorite should be reserved for silliness like scraping bird shit off my shop windows.

Was trying my hardest not to procrastinate. But still found myself emailing people, surfing around looking for trouble, mentally escaping. I should be working. I should be working...

And then it happened.

See, there was construction going on upstairs, above my shop. And because I am blessed with A.D.D. I am very able to hyperfocus on other things and not notice the pounding, pounding, pounding.

I can happily hyperfocus on things like the sensations remaining in my body from last night's fuck.

But it was the sound of pouring water that awakened me from my self-loathing. Literally pouring. And not where it should be pouring.

So I got up off my procrastinating, fucked-raw ass and went to investigate.

There it was, just above the dressing room. Like someone turned a hose on in the ceiling. Strange to hear the sound of water above you and see no water.

And then it all came pouring down.

First one stream, then another... then another. Until there was a veritable waterfall pouring onto the furniture, the walls, the carpet.

Not just water. Black water. Water that smelled of chemicals. Water that made me dizzy.

I stared for a moment, wondering. Hyperfocusing on all the black, wet, spattering. And then I jolted myself and ran for buckets. Many buckets.

They are still working on fixing the broken pipe. They have drilled holes in my ceiling and my walls. Drill dust, bits of wall and wallpaper everywhere.

Ugh. So much for the bookkeeping.

Beautiful day. Too bad it turned so ugly. Ah, well, paint, sweat. Love it anyhow.

OMG...

If ever the state of my personal affairs could be put into words... THIS IS IT!:

by Sylvia Plath

I shall never get out of this!
There are two of me now:
This new absolutely white person & the old yellow one,
And the white person is certainly the superior one.
She doesn't need food, she is one of the real saints.
At the beginning I hated her, she had no personality-
She lay in bed with me like a dead body
And I was scared, because she was shaped just the way I was
Only much whiter and unbreakable and with no complaints....
I blamed her for everything, but she didn't answer.
I couldn't understand her stupid behaviour!
When I hit her she held still, like a true pacifist.
Then I realized what she wanted was for me to love her:
She began to warm up, and I saw her advantages....
I use to think we might make a go of it together-
After all, it was a kind of marriage, being so close.
Now I see it must be one or the other of us.
She may be a saint, and I may be ugly & hairy,
But she'll soon find out that that doesn't matter a bit.
I'm collecting my strength; one day I shall manage without her,
And she'll perish with emptiness then, & begin to miss me.

Oh my...

Just logged on and was linked to an old blog I started in October 2004. Oh my. Didn't even know I was ever here. Obviously wasn't too exciting, only posted ONE blog way back then. Random spam comments floated through...

So, lemme see how the picture uploading thingie works here. Just did some photography. Me thinks these turned out o.k. Both were pregnant with twins...

why am I here

I dunno. cus in order to leave a comment I need a blog. fuck.